Thursday, May 3, 2012

A Pirate Penguin’s Life for Me

            So who am I? I am none other than Cap’n Billy Edwards, or to me crew and closest friends I is Longbeard, and I am a pirate penguin. But enough about me, for this is not my story, but rather the story of another pirate I helped raise: Cannonball Jack.
            I was sailing around Madagascar one fine evening back in ’88 and me eyes caught sight of a wee hatchling of a penguin clutching for dear life to an almost nonexistent ice berg. I, being a charitable soul, decided to bring him upon me ship and see if I could help the poor lad. I didn’t realize it then but this was one of the best things I did in me life. And it was by me crew’s choice that we call the wee penguin Jack.
            For five years, I taught him everything I knew, like how to steer into the wind, how to properly load cannons and muskets, how to leave no prisoners, how to control the crew, and all manner of a pirate’s life. Then came a big day for dear Jack. I let him take me ship, the Dread of the Arctic, and me crew, and let him set sail by hisself. Little did he know that the kraken and the other pirates were in abundance around Madagascar this time of year.
            Jack went off with orders just to sink one ship and bring me back the booty from the wreck. For almost entire month I heard nothing of what was happening or any news of good ol’ Jack. As it turned it, Jack went from ship to ship to kraken to another ship for this month. Jack was having a grand old time and as he turned his sails home he faced off with the terrible Cap’n Smith (no one knew his true name) and it was during this battle that Jack ended up with his famous nickname.  The two ships were board and board trying to sink the other and cannons were nonstop for nigh unto an hour.
            The first mate went up to Jack and then informed him that the Dread was out of cannon ammo. Jack decided to do the bravest deed any pirate ever dared do and lived to tell of it. He decided that he would be a cannonball. The crew didn’t argue with him and just loaded Jack into the cannon and shot at Smith’s ship. Jack landed right on Smith and killed him instantly. Seeing their captain defeated, Smith’s crew tried to surrender but Jack ignored their pleas, destroyed their sails, and left the ship as cannon fodder. All in all, Jack ended up with fourteen ships and way too much treasure to name. I had never seen a pirate penguin do this good in just one month. After this adventure, I let Jack take on several small missions and raiding parties to help our funds grow and now I stand before thee to announce two things. The first is that I is retiring, since I am goin’ on 30 and age has finally caught up to me. The second thing is the new captain. I humbly present to thee, ye new captain, Cap’n  Cannonball Jack Edwards.

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